I’m not saying that John U Bacon’s books should be sold in the Judy Blume section of the three bookstores that still exist.
All I’m saying is that Jim Brandstatter shouldn’t ever ride in the same elevator as Ginny Sack.
The point?
I saw where a new guy down the street who, based on his photo, appears to be very tough and appropriately football-mean, threw some shade at State for not having a player selected in the NFL Draft that took place some weeks ago.
Separately but relevant in a James Joycean sort of a way - a middle-aged bachelor guy recently moved into the unfinished loft above the garage behind the house next door to me.
A couple of days after he had gotten settled, he knocked on my door.
I think he used a ball peen hammer to knock.
He was wearing cut-off jean shorts and a mesh, royal blue “football” jersey that had “AIN’T NO DUMMY” emblazoned in white across the front and “#1” underneath it with red and Navy blue stripes around the short sleeves.
He did not have a t-shirt on underneath the mesh jersey.
He was not wearing shoes.
He was, however, wearing white tube socks that were pulled up to the upper part of the calf.
He introduced himself confidently.
“Hey – name’s Ryan Oxburn – everyone just calls me Coach Ox. Just moved in next door and I noticed your hedges over on our border aren’t evenly clipped. You mind getting those taken care of before too long?’
I looked over at the driveway of the home where Coach Ox was shacking up in the unfinished loft above the garage in the back. In the driveway was a mid-sized leisure boat up on a rusty trailer thing, a pretty large Winnebago with a giant DirecTV satellite properly and quite securely affixed to the roof of the rig, and several wheelbarrows (like, eight or ten of them) scattered around with nothing in any of them.
I asked Coach Ox about the various yard sale items in his driveway and, without hearing that I had politely asked him if they belonged to him and, if so, when he planned to put those somewhere out of the sight of the neighborhood, he responded to me.
Coach Ox said, “Oh, yeah – thanks – I got a lot of cool shit – let me know when you want to go out on the boat and we’ll rock it. Also, let me know when those hedges are gonna be clipped.”
With that, he was headed back to his unfinished loft above the garage that was behind the house that was owned by another person.
I live in a nice neighborhood where people mind their business and take pride in their homes, yards, and overall vibes.
Coach Ox, I’ve since come to learn, was recently asked to leave the house where he had lived with his third wife and three adult stepsons due to being in between opportunities for the last seven years and failing to contribute to the general mission of the household.
Last night, Coach Ox threw a party in the driveway with two of his pals.
Deep Purple was cranking, a pretty fierce fire with plenty of accompanying smoke was billowing out of one of the wheelbarrows for the purposes of creating ambiance and so forth, and the fellas were playing with a cool frisbee in the yard.
Cannabis sativa cigarettes were being smoked – which, at face value, isn’t any big deal to me or other people.
But Coach Ox saw a couple of the junior high school aged boys from the neighborhood walking by at different junctures during his……party……and he (loudly) offered some of the ganja to the fellas.
The fellas, somewhat sheepishly, said, “Um – thanks for the offer but no thanks – we’re good.”
Coach Ox is getting it done so far in the neighborhood – this much is obvious.
He’s rocking it hard.
He’s a man to be reckoned with and a man to be respected.
His bona fides look like this:
2011/2012, defensive line coach, special teams coach, video coordinator – Maine Maritime Academy.
2013, outside linebackers coach – Amherst College.
2014, assistant special teams coordinator - St Norbert College.
2015, Defensive coordinator/outside linebackers coach/video coordinator – St Norbert College.
In the years between these career development experiences and now, Coach Ox bounced around as a postgame grading assistant of some sort for Dan Mullen at Old Miss State and then he did some more things for Dan Mullen at Florida that included running the opponent's offensive scout team and being responsible for weekly scouting reports on the opponent's run game and pass protection.
Kudos to Coach Ox for working hard, fighting through some initial challenging circumstances and ending up in the neighborhood where I live with other families who have worked for decades to raise their families in this type of environment.
One might think that Coach Ox demonstrated a hint of ignorance combined with arrogance when he strolled over, knocked on my door and told me to get my hedges properly clipped as his boat and Winnebago sat in the driveway about 100 feet from my front door.
I choose to embrace Coach Ox and all that he offers for our neighborhood.
Who knows what might appear in his driveway within the next year or two?
A fully operational Wallenda-like trapeze apparatus for the purposes of teaching all of the children of the neighborhood how to become great trapeze artists (for a reasonable price)?
A carnival set-up in the front yard and extending out into the sidewalk and street with mini-roller coasters and a choo-choo train and a series of milk-bottle-toppling games for the children to enjoy (for a reasonable price)?
Maybe a dozen batting cages (each bought on consignment from a different internet vendor) temporarily put out into the front yard, again, for the purposes of helping the children learn how to rock it at the plate (for a reasonable price)?
Coach Ox might not be all that familiar with the ways and traditions of the neighborhood but, to his credit, he’s not letting that get in the way of his mission, his brawny mojo, and his fearless commitment to doing what’s been at the foundation of all of his success prior to moving into the neighborhood.
As a matter of fact, I’m 100 percent certain that he hasn’t given an ounce of consideration to the possibility that there are pre-existing ways and traditions related to the community that’s been thriving here for over a hundred years.
Coach Ox is here to rock this thing.
I say, leave him alone and let him rock the crap out of whatever he’s intending to rock.
But, Coach Ox’s arrival did get me thinking……..
BUT FIRST - BY THE WAY….
It wasn’t long ago that everyone was wondering if Tyrell Dortch had any eligibility left and if he could play linebacker for State this coming season.
However, I’m not gonna get booted from P.T.’s if I point this out to King Swami:
Noah Harvey – with a full year to learn and understand gap responsibility within the 4-2-5 scheme.
Chase Kline.
Tank Brown.
Cal Halladay.
Cole DeMarzo
Ben Vancouver/Van Buren/Van Brandenburg
Quavaris Crouch
Ma’a Gaoteote.
And, since my good pal and associate who is an expert on things, Ferdinand Zhlugue (pronounced just as it’s spelled), gave me the word, we all need to keep an eye on –
Carson Casteel.
That unit might not look like the 1985 Chicago Bears linebacking crew – but it doesn’t look like it needs to be bolstered by Little-John Flowers or Jaren Hayes or Agim Shabaj.
I’ll take these guys.
Let’s get these guys out there and let them be Spartan linebackers, huh?
Am I supposed to think that these guys can’t handle Hassan Haskins or Danny Hughes or Isaiah Gash or Nico Toberia or Cade McNamara?
Bring it on, people.
OKAY – SO WHAT WAS IT THAT COACH OX GOT ME TO THINKING ABOUT??
UMAAers don’t behave and/or live within fickle trends or patterns or temporary strategies.
UMAA has a foundational way of doing things.
And that foundation is taught, driven, and expected to be adhered to within the operation.
It’s all been handed down from generation to generation, decade to decade, era to era, and leadership team to leadership team.
It’s part of the reason why UMAA Men are the ones who are always in their positions within the institution.
So, let’s give Coach Ox a pass while encouraging him to keep on cranking and rocking it – it’s really not his fault since he’s really just doing what he’s supposed to do.
There are different categories of behavioral obligations within UMAA’s machine.
Pushing the officially correct notion that UMAA is the winningest program in the history of college football would probably rank as the number one priority.
A close second – integrity, integrity, integrity, integrity, integrity, integrity.
Not far behind is the notion that UMAA drinks from the Holy Grail of college football due to the “rivalry” with Columbus.
And, purposely tucked down near the bottom is the most important behavioral obligation for any UMAAer:
State is not a rival, we look down at and laugh at State; State is not a rival, we look down at and laugh at State; State is not a rival, we look down at and laugh at State; State is not a rival, we look down at and laugh at State; State is not a rival.
An important element of this last behavioral obligation is to swear allegiance to the strategy whereby no UMAAer will ever say or do anything publicly to acknowledge even the possibility that State is a rival (since State is not a rival).
UMAA defeats State 27-20 in 2003 on a rain-soaked afternoon at Spartan Stadium where UMAA’s current head coach cried and wept after his team’s 21-7 victory in 2018.
The game’s final play in 2003 is a Jeff Smoker heave into the endzone that falls to the ground and UMAA preserves the win in a weird, ugly, and hard-fought game between two teams ranked in the Top 11 in the nation.
Lloyd Carr is immediately asked on the field what it feels like to get out of East Lansing with a win over the rivals:
“Well, it was a good Big Ten football game….”
That win came during UMAA’s 6-game winning streak over its non-rival rival that featured epic back-to-back overtime battles in 2004 and 2005.
UMAA’s 45-37 win in 2004 came after three overtimes and was the result of a dramatic comeback that started when State had a 27-10 lead with seven minutes to play.
After that win, Lloyd Carr said, when asked about another classic rivalry battle: “It’s always good for us to win a Big Ten game….”
The following season, unranked UMAA benefitted from 11 missed field goals by four different kickers for State and escaped East Lansing with a 34-31 win in a single overtime over the No. 11 Spartans.
Carr after the game: “We were confident we’d be able to get this Big Ten win to help us get back on track.”
Part of UMAA’s behavioral obligation is to literally never even refer to State by name.
If any word that is associated with the East Lansing institution is uttered by a UMAAer, UMAA is acknowledging the institution’s existence.
That acknowledgment creeps too close to a recognition of more things that end up leading down a possible path of acknowledging that there is an actual rivalry.
Which brings us to the major point of all of this………
FIRST, THOUGH, A COMMERCIAL BREAK FROM OUR SPONSOR, AMERICAN BANDSTAND
So many people (and by “so many people” I am referring to myself) like to make unusual yet appropriate comparisons between college football programs and musical artists.
It can be a fun way to subjectively point out issues that might be debatable and turn the points one is attempting to make into being objective rather than subjective.
Sort of.
The King of Pop
For instance, would anyone ever disagree that UMAA is Michael Jackson?
The King of Pop sold (and continues to sell) so so so so so many records.
Some of the records Jackson put out were even pretty okay.
To this day, “Thriller” is an all timer of a record and has to be recognized as such.
But is anyone ever going to confuse Michael Jackson with, say, Bob Dylan or Stevie Wonder or Tom Waits or Johnny Cash?
Still, Michael Jackson isn’t a musical artist at whom a man or woman should sneeze with regard to his commercial success.
As for the all-time “best” rock outfits over the years, it’s impossible to identify one, single troupe as “best.”
But there are a handful that are always mentioned right out of the gate when a debate breaks out.
Tattoo You
Columbus sure has won a hell of a lot of football games, a lot of Big Ten Championships, and a lot of National Championships.
And those folks have done it all with a bit of an edge and a snarl and they’ve, perhaps, chosen to eschew some of the norms and mores that the governing bodies of the sport have identified as necessary to adhere to.
(** Sullivan's note for UMAA English professors: it is understood that the above sentence concludes with a participle that is dangling. Under normal circumstances, the participle would not dangle. However, a few years ago, the entire UMAA community – including its Board of Regents or whatever it’s called -dangled a whole lot of pious sanctimony out there and directed it State's way when State was in a bit of a mess. UMAA now finds itself in a similar kind of a mess. How about we let the participle dangle and call it even?)
Columbus feels, to me, like The Rolling Stones.
If Woody hadn’t decided to punch Clemson’s Charlie Bauman in the throat for having the audacity to intercept that pass late in that Gator Bowl, Woody might still be coaching and leading the program with a Keith Richards-esque immortality.
America’s Heartland Rocker
Is John Mellencamp one of the more underappreciated American rock icons?
Yes, he is.
Mellencamp isn’t for everyone, to be sure.
But if you’re looking for no frills, badass Midwestern American rock that celebrates the simple yet unique ingredients that make up Americana, Mellencamp is your man.
And if you aren’t as familiar with his compendium as you should be, once you peruse through his portfolio of work, you’ll realize that he has countless hits that you know every word to and many of those hits are tailgate essentials.
Mellencamp, even though he proudly hails from Hoosier country, is all Wisconsin Badger within the context of this little exercise.
Not Running on Empty
Iowa and Wisconsin are, in many ways, blood brothers and that isn’t just due to the fact that the states are located near each other.
The football programs have followed similar paths and the paths have served them well.
No Iowa fan is ever going to argue that the Hawkeyes belong in the same discussion as Alabama or Oklahoma (unlike UMAAers who honestly believe their program belongs in that discussion).
Yesterday
Of course, even though Notre Dame isn’t in the Big Ten, we always seem to have to somehow include them in these discussions and that’s okay with me since Rockne and Leahy – along with all of the good fathers – played such an essential role in State’s development in the early and middle stages of the 20th century.
It doesn’t matter what we might think of Notre Dame (we don’t like them).
What Notre Dame has done with its full body of work has earned them Beatles status.
Admit it (it’s okay to do so) – when you hear a Beatles tune on the radio (if you still listen to a radio), the tune holds up and it doesn’t seem weird that a song written sixty years ago is keeping you tuned to the station on the FM dial.
So, where does all of this leave State?
Against the Wind
Bob Seger is an American badass who doesn’t come immediately to mind by rock fans when they’re first starting to have a discussion about the history of American rock.
But if there is a man, woman, or child who doesn’t acknowledge Seger’s place in history and respect this warrior’s longevity, his toughness, his ability to keep on cranking over the ages, his commitment to being exactly who he is and damn the torpedoes if anyone doesn’t like that, I don’t want to have to sit at a table with that man, woman, or child.
Do yourself a favor and go to the Bob Seger button on the Spotify machine and let me know when you discover that Bob Seger isn’t a badass.
MICHAEL JACKSON CAN’T HANDLE TRUTH
71-37-5.
That is the official, all-time series mark between Michael Jackson and Bob Seger.
Jackson has sold a lot more records than Seger ever did or ever will.
The series mark appears on the television screen during every year’s non-rivalry rivalry game.
Does anyone ever bother to examine, officially, some of the following aspects of that 71-37-5 series mark?
What would an average American citizen recognize as the beginning of our “modern era?”
After World War II, maybe?
How about we agree to select a round, even year that a normal person might recognize as a reasonable period for us to understand as the start of our “modern era?”
How about we choose that year to be 1950?
1950 is a long, long time ago.
Does the average observer of the Michael Jackson – Bob Seger non-rivalry rivalry know that before 1950, the game between the two schools was played in East Lansing a grand total of five (5) times over 42 games?
Prior to 1950, Jackson owns an advantage in the series of 33-6-3.
A little-known fact about those games played before 1950 – whether played in Ann Arbor or East Lansing – is that the rules of the game back then dictated that the players use a living chicken as the ball.
Another weird (in retrospect) aspect of the game prior to 1950 is that the games were interrupted every twenty minutes to allow the players to go back to their homes and chop wood so that their parents could then use that wood to make the fires that cooked the killed animals the families ate for survival.
And since water was in such short supply prior to 1950, team managers were responsible for walking back and forth between the football field and the closest well or river or pond or FDR-created abatement pool to fill small wooden buckets with water for the players to drink in between trips back and forth from their homes where they chopped the wood and the football field where the game was being played.
However, all of that aside, Seger must acknowledge that Jackson earned and can/should continue to boast the 33-6-5 record built prior to 1950.
But what if we chose, for a moment, to examine the series like normal people who understand the world has seen a man walk on the moon since 1950?
What if we chose to acknowledge that the NCAA eventually decided that using a football rather than a living chicken for the ball has had an impact on the way the game has evolved, that time itself has moved along, and that the non-rivalry rivalry has progressed, evolved, changed, ebbed and flowed, and has continued to develop in any number of ways?
Would a sane, normal human person believe me if I were to tell that person that the non-rivalry rivalry series since 1950 looks like this:
Michael Jackson 38 wins – Bob Seger 31 wins.
Since we are normal and sane and understand that the earth is not flat, we recognize that Jackson has sold more records than Seger since 1950.
We give Jackson the credit he deserves for the advantage.
But who would you rather listen to on a sensational Midwestern Autumn day as you’re gathered around the truck with booze and food and kickoff is still five hours away – Michael Jackson or Bob Seger?
Also, wouldn’t a sane, normal human person recognize that there is a very real difference between the following marks and all of the background related to the following marks –
71-37-5.
38-31.
What about all of the so-called Millennials who have been reading this and are wondering why any sane, normal human person would ever even consider 1950 as a “modern” year?
I’m with you, Millennials.
MODERN ERA THAT IS ALMOST ACTUALLY CONSIDERED MODERN BY ALL PEOPLES
Millennials sometimes get a bad rap – but those of us who are old enough to know who Bob Seger actually is must acknowledge our fellow folks who are younger and we must accept that they are an essential part of this whole gig just like the rest of us and they make good points.
I remember telling my dad that I didn’t like having to read all of the subtitles to “Das Boot” and that the movie was kind of hard to follow and boring.
Did that make me a punk?
Don’t answer that question.
Back to the point about our Spartan Millennials.
What’s a year we can choose that might seem like last week to some of us but, to them, might seem like the age when the motion picture “Das Boot” was released?
1990 seems like a nice, round number, right around the dawn of the digital revolution.
Would a sane, normal human person know that the non-rivalry rivalry series between Seger and Jackson has a mark since 1990 that looks like this:
Jackson 17 wins – Seger 14 wins.
Would it surprise a sane, normal human person to learn that the series record between Alabama and Auburn since 1990 looks like this:
Alabama 17 wins – Auburn 14 wins.
People – don’t kill the messenger.
I’m just delivering the facts so that Coach Ox can become comfortable in the unfinished loft above the garage behind the house that is owned by someone other than Coach Ox.
OTHER NON-RIVALS WITH WHOM COACH OX SHOULD BECOME FAMILIAR
This is now the part where I give major kudos and props to UMAA for being the all-time winningest program in the history of the sport of college football.
State is not in the Top 25 when it comes to the all-time winningest college football programs.
But here are some of the college football programs that are in the all-time Top 25 in terms of games won –
#7 Yale.
#10 Harvard.
#11 Pennsylvania.
#14 Princeton.
#17 Mount Union.
#19 Wittenberg.
#24 Washington & Jefferson.
Let’s all give a big tip of the cap to those college football programs for their achievements.
A lot of schools had teams that won a lot of football games prior to 1950.
Now, let’s get back to our attempt to put some basic, common sense reality into the narrative related to the non-rivalry rivalry between State and UMAA.
What do UMAA’s series marks look like against other programs that don’t register as rivals for UMAA?
It seems that it’s fair to say that the general college football fan out there has lumped State – pretty fairly – into a category that includes Wisconsin and Iowa as Big Ten programs that have had reasonable levels of success over the decades without really quite busting through and becoming true Blue Bloods of the conference or the sport, as a whole.
We can accept that.
How do UMAA’s records against these programs stack up against UMAA’s non-rival rivals from East Lansing?
Let’s look.
UMAA vs IOWA – Michael Jackson vs Jackson Browne.
Overall series mark is 42-15-4, Jackson (Michael) with the significant advantage.
Seger vs Browne overall?
Browne 24 wins – Seger 22 wins. 2 ties.
From 1900 – 1950, UMAA and Iowa (charter members of the Big Ten) played a grand total of two (2) games in Iowa City.
Since 1950:
Jackson (Michael) 32 wins – Browne 13 wins. 3 ties.
Seger vs Browne since 1950?
The teams first played one another in 1953 – so, the mark since 1950 is 24-22-2, Browne with the edge.
Since 1990:
Jackson (Michael) 12 wins – Browne 8 wins.
Seger vs Browne since 1990?
Browne 12 wins – Seger 9 wins.
UMAA vs WISCONSIN – Michael Jackson vs John Mellencamp.
Overall series mark is 51-17-1, Jackson with the significant advantage.
Seger vs Mellencamp overall?
Seger 30 wins – Mellencamp 24 wins.
Since 1950:
Jackson 34 wins – Mellencamp 13 wins.
Seger vs Mellencamp since 1950?
Seger 30 wins – Mellencamp 11 wins.
Since 1990:
Jackson 11 wins – Mellencamp 9 wins.
Seger vs Mellencamp since 1990?
Seger 11 wins – Mellencamp 11 wins.
You want to include the most overrated rivalry in all of college football due to a hundred reasons that nobody stops to think about including the fact that from 1943 until 1978 the two schools never even played one another a single time?
UMAA vs NOTRE DAME – Michael Jackson vs The Beatles.
Overall series mark is 25-17-1, Jackson with the advantage.
Seger vs The Beatles overall?
The Beatles 47 wins – Seger 29 wins. One tie that some may recall.
From 1887 until 1943, the two schools played each other eleven (11) times.
Jackson 9 wins – The Beatles 2 wins.
Since 1990:
Jackson 12 wins – The Beatles 10 wins. One tie.
Seger vs The Beatles since 1990?
The Beatles 13 wins – Seger 11 wins.
Ah – but I’ve neglected to include one very important aspect of this entire project.
What do Michael Jackson’s various comparable marks look like within the rivalry with The Stones?
Let’s take a look.
UMAA vs COLUMBUS – Michael Jackson vs The Rolling Stones
Overall series mark is 58-51-6, Jackson with the advantage.
Seger vs The Stones overall?
The Stones hold a decided advantage, not surprisingly, having won 34 games to Seger’s 15.
How about since the NCAA and the Big Ten eschewed the use of the live chicken and started mandating that college football teams use a football instead?
Since 1950:
Stones 40 wins – Jackson 28 wins. 1 tie.
Seger vs The Stones since 1950?
Stones 34 wins – Seger with 12 wins.
Since 1990:
Stones 19 wins – Jackson 10 wins. 1 tie.
Seger vs The Stones since 1990?
Stones with 19 wins – Seger with 5 wins.
COACH OX IS GOING TO LEARN WHAT EVERYONE OVER THERE ALREADY KNOWS
What in the hell does all of this mean?
It means that winning college football games before there was indoor plumbing can certainly be recognized – but that recognition needs to come with perspective and realism and an acknowledgement that beating Oberlin (non I-A) 14-6 in 1894 should probably have some perspective attached to it.
It means that games that were played after 1950 started to be a little more normal and real.
It means that recognizing how a team has done against another team since 1950 might matter more than how a team might have done against another team between the 1894 and 1907 seasons.
It means that John U Bacon can write twenty (20) more books about the greatness, integrity, courage, leadership, and overall transformational genius of Fielding H. Yost but if we're in the business of counting wins over Oberlin and various National Championship claims, Seger has six National Championships since 1950 and Jackson has one (1).
It means that UMAA has not won a Big Ten Championship since Mark Zuckerberg launched Facebook from his Harvard dorm room, since Maroon 5 wowed us all with “This Love,” since the Montreal Expos moved to Washington, D.C. and became the Washington Nationals, since Martha Stewart went to prison, since Ireland (IRELAND, PEOPLE!!!!) became the very first nation on earth to ban smoking in all workplaces including bars and restaurants, and that during that entire period, State has won three (3) Big Ten Championships, won the Rose Bowl, won the Cotton Bowl, appeared in the College Football Playoff, and has come to dominate the non-rivalry rivalry with the allowance for UMAA’s current head coach to cry and weep in the visitors’ locker room in Spartan Stadium following a 21-7 win over State.
It means that Bob Seger was, is, and always be a sensational badass.
And it means that we have to get back to where we started – the newcomer who is shacking it up in the unfinished loft above the garage behind the home next door to me that is owned by someone other than the newcomer, Coach Ryan Oxburn.
Listen, Coach Ox – we get it – you’re new and you’re unfamiliar with the neighborhood and you are merely trying to establish yourself as someone who should be respected and appreciated by those of us who have been here for longer than a few hours.
We also understand that you are very smart and very tough.
We also understand that you’ve been told by some new pals whom you trust that you need to bring it and bring it hard in order to let it be known that you mean business.
The problem, though, Coach Ox, is that you made the worst possible mistake according to the bylaws adhered to by your new colleagues: you acknowledged that State exists.
My hedges bother you.
The fact that they’re really not even “messy” or uneven or whatever you claimed them to be in the first place bothers you even more.
The fact that you have a lousy boat up on a rusty trailer thing in your landlord’s driveway doesn’t even register in your mind as you attempt to denigrate my hedges.
Your previous seven or eleven or seventeen or thirty years of employment/overall life advancement challenges aren’t unknown to me or my fellow neighbors.
We know that the last job you held was as a guard (not allowed to carry a firearm due to prior entanglements) at the pawn shop on Oakwood Road in downtown Millersville.
And we know that you were let go from that gig because you couldn’t learn how to properly lock the door at night and the joint was robbed of all its wares due to your incompetence.
But please – keep on telling me about my sloppy hedges.
Like the good people with whom I share this neighborhood, I like my hedges, my lawn, my yard, my trees, and my front porch.
And because of that, my whole situation is pretty groovy.
Please go buy another boat and put it up on another rusty trailer thing as soon as you can.
This Autumn, another State victory over UMAA and Coach Ox and all of the UMAA fellas will mean that, over the last fourteen (14) games played between the two schools, State will have a 10-4 advantage.
Telling me that you think my hedges are an eye sore only increases the intensity of my focus.
And you are an idiot.
Thanks for reading, folks - and 10-4, good buddies.
POST-BODY OFFERING FOR REVIEW, ANALYSIS, AND READER ENGAGEMENT
If any reader thinks that the use of Michael Jackson throughout this piece of writing is not fully appropriate for any reason, I understand and accept this.
Jackson put out some musical numbers that warrant some respect and that may not sit well with some of you or many of you or every single one of you.
That’s understandable.
“Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough” is a good example of a Jackson number that kind of jams and it might, legitimately, cause one to feel uncomfortable about the use of Jackson throughout this project.
There are others.
So, I’ve taken it upon myself to get a list of suggestions going for us.
If Maggers feel like chiming in with their own additional suggestions, I’d be interested in seeing them.
Keep in mind that the suggestions really should resonate in some way that is tethered to reality in order for this piece of journalism to maintain its credibility and integrity.
“Games won” means something – and records sold are, after all, records sold.
Here are some of my suggested musical artists that might work as replacements for Jackson (in no particular order):
Manilow, B.
Midler, B.
Gibb, A.
Garfunkel, A.
Carmichael, H.
Oates, J
Torme, M.
Pointer Sisters, The
Murray, A.
Chung, Wang
Houston, W.
Lawrence, S. & E.
Styx
Player
Parton, D.
Pet Shop Boys, The
And, if any Maggers think that the use of Bob Seger throughout this piece of writing is not suitable for whatever reason, the same exercise can take place.
Here are some suggestions of mine to get the exercise started (in no particular order):
Replacements, The
Westerberg and the ‘Mats are Gibby and Eddie Smith blowing Hoagy Carmichael’s head off in ’78.
Faces, The
Listen to “Stay With Me” and tell me you don’t feel like you’re in the car ride back to Beast Lansing to get to the glorious insanity after Desmond Howard dropped the ball.
Black Crowes, The
“No Speak, No Slave” is Bubba & Co mercilessly devouring Manilow.
R.E.M.
Pre-1990; the album ‘Life’s Rich Pageant’ is The Dantonio Era.
Fleetwood Mac
Consider the internal dysfunction.
And, the album ‘Rumors’ is either the ’65-’66 run or the 2013 season, take your pick.
Run-D.M.C.
The transformational influence combined with the brilliance is Duffy integrating Black athletes into college football across America.
Duffy and State say, “You’re welcome, America.”
Rush
Some of it is unlistenable – but there is far more than most realize that is pure badass and “Tom Sawyer” is Marcus Rush, Denicos Allen, Jerel Worthy, Will Gholston, and Craig Evans treating Denard Robinson and Devin Gardner like they were Steve & Edie Lawrence.
Gaye, M.
Never gets the proper credit, his performance of The Star-Spangled Banner at the 1984 NBA All Star Game is Burke to Plaxico.
Clash, The
“Train in Vain” is Bobby Morse treating The Pointer Sisters like they’re The Pointer Sisters.
Conti, W.
Forget “Gonna Fly Now” – everyone goes straight to that. “The Final Bell” is a non-stop barrage of body blows to Styx.
Son Volt
The album ‘Trace’ is Perles knowing what his #1 priority was and coming through more than anyone ever thought he would.
Earle, S.
“Hard Core Troubadour” is holding Art Garfunkel to minus-48 yards.
Velvet Underground, The
Lou Reed is Lorenzo White literally carrying Anne Murray into the endzone.
Earth, Wind, & Fire
“Let’s Groove” is Javon Ringer actually showing a little bit of compassion for Bette Midler.
Walsh, J.
Bob Organ in 1993.
Crowley Sullivan is a 25-year veteran of the sports media industry. He spent 10 years at ESPN where he won two Emmys and a Peabody Award for his work as a Producer on the iconic series “SportsCentury.” As an Executive, he led ESPN Classic and ESPNews Programming and served as an Executive Producer for ESPN Original Entertainment. He also has served as EVP/GM of Campus Insiders, he’s been a USA Today Sports contributor, and he now oversees UFC Fight Pass as its VP/GM. And, he once at lunch and dinner at The Peanut Barrel for 26 consecutive days/nights.